Tuesday, 12 June 2012

Cinzano and semolina

I'm astounded.  The Internet is saturated with blogs about how to be a wonderful parent, but nowhere does it tell you how to be a rubbish one - the most valuable advice of all.  If you want your children to have a sound perspective upon their place in the world (i.e. there are lots of us - wait your turn) then you have to forget pushy and become cushy.

This week the media was outraged by David Cameron leaving his kid at the pub.  I interviewed a mother from the Seventies in response to this who yawned and said, "I left my son in the frozen peas section of Gateway one half term.  When I saw him again his hair had grown and he had frostbite, but was otherwise unharmed."

I was raised in the Seventies.  Back then, our mums looked like this.  
Mums from the Seventies
looked 85-years-old
when they were only 40 

They wore clothes for comfort and enjoyed Cinzano of an afternoon.
  We were the generation that waited for the TV to warm up and our semolina to cool down.

Modern parenting - by the time your children reach school age - is ridiculously competitive.  I say the human race has advanced enough.  It's time to turn back the clock, to regress.   It’s time to unleash the cush in you and give the push, the push.

So what is a cushy parent?  You are a cushy parent if you:

1) are prone to putting your child in the garden whilst you watch Bergerac.  When you do finally look outside, your child has dug a 2-foot hole in the lawn with a cake server.

2) smile during school assembly when the
prize for best miniature Olympic stadium goes to Billy Bucked Teeth because of his solar lighting (the other infants were foolish enough to opt for electricity).  Afterwards, you praise your tearful child for their naive effort - a couple toilet rolls stuck to a tea tray.

3) say things to your child like, "No I'm not going to organise a play date.  Pick your own damned friends, will you?"

It's almost impossible to tell from external appearances exactly who is pushy and who is cushy.  I've had many a friend profess to being a slob, only for them to sneak home to read their child Proust.  

It’s so hard to tell who is a pushy parent.  Most people look normal enough…. 
It's time for us cushy parents to be counted.  Make yourselves known to me.  Tell me your parenting stories of negligence and early Alzheimers.  There will be no more shame - no more rushing home to binge eat Sara Lee cakes before they are totally defrosted.  

Don't be depressed by the perfection around you.  Come join me here at the cushy parent's blog.  Have a laugh, relax, look your age and remember our motto: cushy not pushy!

See you soon,

Next time at the cushy parent blog: How to throw a really rubbish birthday party for kids and still respect yourself in the morning.

Cath Weeks is author of The Mood Ring.  Available at Amazon.

No comments:

Post a Comment