Sunday, 21 July 2013

Bottom-shaped apples and ugly protrusions

Well, hello again!

I was just chopping an onion when I noticed something strange: no tears.  In fact, I can't remember the last time an onion made my cry.  What have they done to our onions?  Modified them so they no longer make us cry?  Well, I want my money back.  I like my pungent, nasty, tear-rendering onions!  It part of the pleasure of preparing food against the odds, with two boys punching each other in the background, beads of sweat on my brow.. and then the tears of the onion to bring me to my knees.

Last year, an apology was issued on the news to UK consumers that carrots would be misshapen that season.  Yes that actually happened.

Don't know what you're moaning about.  Last year, I had to have
 rhinoplasty cos they said my nose was disturbing the kids

Well, I for one miss rotten bulbous old vegetables, the sort that have flies buzzing round.  Misshapen vegetables are part of the tapestry of life, like bitter lemons and fiery chilli.  As a kid, I once picked a large cooking apple that looked exactly like a bottom.  It caused me so much delight, pointing it out to everyone who called at our house, that my mother had to ban it to the back bedroom wardrobe in the end.  (She also banned the Cerne Abbas coaster featuring the giant and his willy, which I used to present to chosen guests, back in the day when children were used at bar tenders on Saturday nights.  Sorry for the embarrassment Mum, but then it wasn't really my job to pour the Cinzano and hand out the coasters was it).  

What are we teaching our kids if our produce isn't misshapen?  Not only will nothing be hilarious any more, but it won't be bitter, bulbous, hairy, protruding.  Don't know about you, but that rules most of us out from undressing on the beach this summer.

We don't have to take this rubbish.  Let's march upon Parliament, demanding onions with tears, bitter lemons and butt-shaped apples.  Who's with me?  Hello?  Hello?

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